Monday, January 19, 2009

Light to My Darkness

I'm not really sure what it is about January. Or February. Or just Winter.

I really just don't like the Winter. It is one of the main reasons we moved to North Carolina - mild winters.

I am cold. And cranky. And very temperamental. And sometimes depressed. And did I mention cold!?!

Last week, I felt depressed after returning from our trip. Well, to be really honest even while I was on the trip. Yeah, most of it was hormonal and I get that, but it seemed worse than normal for some reason.

I do not like being depressed. As a matter of fact, I often fight it and deny it. The mere fact that it affects me drives me crazy. It is completely uncontrollable, though.

You see, I don't deal with depression like many others. I don't cry. I don't get sad.

I just get mad. All the time mad. At the silliest things. At my hubby. At my kids. My poor little family - they are ever so patient with me.

I retreat from my friends so I don't get mad at them. And to be honest - again, I actually get irritated at them for only God knows what. So, At the risk of losing them - I try not to call them or see them when I get like this.

But they are good friends and they keep calling me.

So when a friend called the other day to see if I was doing okay and asked me if I was mad at her, I gave her my honest response. "Of course, I am not mad at you! What could I possibly be mad at you about?"

Then she told me she missed me - That I was one of the few friends she could just lay her heart open to without fear of judgement. Dang. That's just awesome, isn't it?

So, just like a key to my heart, I opened up and I told her how I had been feeling.

I didn't think she would understand because she really doesn't get depressed. She is one of the most emotionally level women I know. Kinda like a guy is emotionally level.

Then I went to our couples small group and asked those friends to pray for me.

And they did. And they loved on me.

One of them even made some suggestions that have been so very helpful this week.

Something about giving up control. Whatever.

Hmmph. Like I want to control anything.

I want to control EVERYTHING!

So, anyway - last week? Sadness crept in. Like a slinky sneaky black snake - it moved right into my soul. It was dark and angry and I did not like it.

But God sent some angels. They are called friends. Lifelines. Light chasing the dark right out of my soul.

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Musings of a Homeschooling Mom said...

What awesome friends you have! I hope things are looking up for you today! I feel the same way when I am depressed. The level of anger I feel over simple little things is down right insane. I can say that when I'm feeling like I have a handle on my emotions. When they are out of control it's a different story. I love reading your blog!

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Thanks for an inspiring post..:)

GladMom24 said...

Honey, you are so not alone! I hate gray dreary days because if the days are right and my hormones are off I am dismal. And angry. At everything. And then angry with myself for being angry. ARGH!
It so helps to share and to know others deal with it too. And of course to pray for one another.
I love how real and honest you are!

Jen said...

Friends have a way of making us feel better even on our worse days. I hope you feel some sunshine. I think it's the weather...when it's nonstop gray and cloudy, I get down too. Hugs to you.

Christina H. said...

Yea, for years I've listened to one of my friends (every winter) say, "Oh, I feel winter coming. Here comes the depression." She talked about having Seasonal Affective Disorder and Depression (S.A.D.D.) I've known myself to turn into a lazy slothe at night... because night comes so quickly! Well, this year one morning (after about 2 weeks of depression) I realized it ...I'm depressed for no reason really... could it be S.A.D.D? I'm thinking many people have this to varying degrees. Yep, you are definitely not alone! Except maybe you have have a new one S.A.D.A.- Seasonal Affective Disorder and Anger. Why is everybody else so stupid this time of year anyway! ;)

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